By Jonathan Ward.
It has frequently been observed that, while scientists attempt to alter their views and theories in light of new evidence, the reverse is true for the religious. With distressing frequency, new discoveries are interpreted “in the light of scripture” or flatly rejected because they contradict whatever the sacred bronze-age text of choice proclaims. Rationality is often rejected in favour of maintaining an irrational, unverified viewpoint.
What has been less frequently observed is that this also happens within the various forms of irrational conspiracy theories that seem to clog up a large amount of the Internet. These two articles are a hilarious example of this. They are written about a man who has uncovered evidence that UFO abductions can be prevented…..by praying to Jesus.
For those who are unfamiliar with the ideas around UFOs, the basic principle is this: incredibly advanced aliens have built sophisticated starships and bridged the immense void between the stars because they have an obsession with mutilating cattle and investigating the finer details of human sexual reproduction. They also enjoy flying about in the sky, slowly enough to be captured on film, but too quickly for said images to be anything but conveniently blurry blobs. They are generally humanoid, probably because being abducted and probed by slime-dripping scorpion-clawed octopoids wouldn’t have the same cachet among other UFO enthusiasts.
Joe Jordan is a UFO investigator, formerly a New-Ager of sorts, who became a Christian thanks to the influence of a woman on his investigating team.
““She said, ‘If you’re going to work in this realm, you have to have some protection.’ So I pulled out my crystals. And she said, ‘I’m talking about real protection,’ and this is when things started to change. She handed me a Bible. “I pushed it away and said that this had nothing to do with what we’re dealing with. But she showed me the protection the Bible offered.””
It’s true; the Bible does offer protection from aliens. It’s quite heavy, so if you hit them with it you could probably do some damage. If you have no alternative, you can always start reading some of the more exciting parts from Leviticus or Numbers and bore the aliens to death.
Together with his crack team of investigators, Joe looked again at the “evidence” that they had accumulated. And they encountered something that they had missed before:
“What they already had was witness testimony. One of those cases was six months old, a guy named Bill who was interviewed on video in his living room during a two-hour session. “It was like, originally, we never heard what he said,” Jordan said. “It starts out as a typical experience. He saw something from his living room window. He went to sleep and had an abduction experience. But during that experience, being terrified, he cried out – ‘Jesus, help me’ and the experience instantly stopped. He woke up in bed next to his wife.””
A typical experience indeed. Reading this account, it almost sounds like a nightmare, doesn’t it? But surely that can’t be it. It couldn’t be anything that mundane, aliens must be involved somewhere.
“Jordan wondered why this piece of the story where the abductee invokes the name of Jesus Christ did not stand out before. “If this is real,” he said. “This is huge.””
You can picture the headlines: Man awakes from nightmare after screaming. It’s never been heard of before! Now this is what I call evidence.
“Abduction experiences” can actually be explained by sleep paralysis. During REM sleep the body is paralysed. Sometimes the brain awakens, but the body remains locked in place. The condition is often accompanied by vivid hallucinations. Now, I wonder what form such hallucinations might take for a person primed to expect UFO and alien encounters?
It gets better. Jordan contacted other researchers, and found that they had encountered something similar, but not mentioned it in public.
“But when asked why this had not been brought out into the open before, Jordan said he got one of two answers. The first answer was basically, ‘well, we didn’t know what to make of it.’ “But what bothered me,” he said, “was the second answer. They were afraid to go there as it would affect their credibility in the UFO field.” Jordan was confused. “We’re looking at what people call a cover-up. They’re not sharing everything that they have.””
That’s right. The idea that Jesus can protect you against alien abductions is so absurd that even the crackpots don’t believe it. But Jordan has religion, so that didn’t stop him.
He has encountered scepticism, surprisingly.
“”I brought the evidence,” he said. “What do they bring? Heresay pictures and videos. I brought a stage full of living experience that they can touch, smell, talk to these people. Don’t trust me. Trust the evidence.””
That’s right, he’s urging them to trust the evidence. This would be a commendable attitude, were it not for two problems. The first is that his “evidence” is nothing of the kind. The second is what he later claims:
“But who are or what exactly are the Fallen Angels that Joe Jordan believes could be the source of what is commonly refered to as aliens? The answer is not simple, but Jordan explains from a Biblical perspective that God created the Cherubs – the highest order – and then the angels. Satan, he said, was created as a Cherub. The translation of angel – is messenger. In scripture, he said, there are encounters between angels and humans. They describe their purpose as communicators with man, to share a message. But within the angels, there was at one time a “galactic rebellion,” he said. There was a “force that turned against the good side and became the dark side – led by Lucifer – who wanted to be like God. He was jealous, envious. And envious of Man’s creation.””
Yes, that’s right. It all comes back to the Bible. UFOs are actually cherubs, evil beings. You can understand why even other UFO enthusiasts are having difficulty swallowing this. It’s actually quite interesting, the way in which this guy attempts to reconcile the various irrational beliefs that he holds.
“”We know that the ability of the angels can manifest from spiritual to physical,” he said, “the ability to appear to transform – pass through objects – and you see all of the earmarks as the so-called aliens.”"
We “know”, do we? And how, pray tell, do we “know” that? Funnily enough, he doesn’t say.
““Then you tie it into the idea that they have to respond to the name of Jesus Christ. Why do we feel that we’re dealing with angels and not demons? Demons don’t have the same abilities as angels. Demons are more of a possession. We don’t see possession. We see deception. They are jealous of man and their purpose is to deceive.””
You see how it works? This “response” to Jesus ties in oh-so-neatly to his beliefs. No mention of all those who awoke from their “abduction experiences” by simply screaming, calling for their partners or heaven forbid, calling out the name of another god. They’re not relevant, right? Jordan has found the answer, and woe betide anything that disagrees with that.
“”The whole UFO experience is about changing the mindset. It will change your views. It changes their perception of reality – takes you away from the one true God. In this great war, the prize, is your soul. If he can take your focus away from the one true God, you’re doomed. We’re dealing with a star wars that’s way past the movie.””
So, to summarise: UFOs and aliens are really divine beings trying to steal your soul and take you away from Jesus. It’s painful to think that people actually believe this.
“Jordan recommends looking at the Bible’s Book of Enoch. “It describes this whole relationship with these angels before the flood of man. They were seducing man with technology – the science of divination, astrology, the science of weaponry.”
The book of Enoch is non-canon, by the way. Even the guys at Nicaea didn’t think much of it. And that doesn’t say a lot for it, considering the standard of some of the books they left in the Bible. Enoch is full of references to angels, Nephilim and divine conflicts. To relate this to UFOs, all you have to do is interpret the passages correctly. Don’t you always.
But what crackpot religious belief would be complete without a dose of standard anthropomorphic arrogance?
“But beyond dealing with fallen angels, does Joe Jordan believe there is life elsewhere in the universe? “Absolutely not,” he said. “There’s a reason for the stars and the planets – a reason God gave us the entire universe – so that we would be in awe. All of this was created for us. If you comprehend this, that this was made just for me, wouldn’t this make you a better person? “This is what the enemy is trying to take away from us.” “
Actually, I don’t think it makes you a better person. Believing that the whole universe was created for your benefit strikes me as a breathtakingly arrogant and self-centred position to hold, considering the vastness of what we can see, which is only a fraction of what is actually out there.
Religion: fostering delusion, irrationality and arrogance.